Incorrect Chasing Fate Quotes
by TheWolfParadox
Summary: This is just a collection about posts featuring characters from my Destiny series, Chasing Fate. Reading it is highly recommended if you want to understand this collection.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Welcome to a bunch of stuff about the characters in the Chasing Fate series. I'd like to state for the record that all of this material is sourced from things including: tumblr, vine, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Parks & Rec, Scrubs, Bo Burnham, Castle, the MCU, Supernatural, Good Luck Charlie, Buffy, Sons of Anarchy, Orphan Black, and various places on the internet. If you want to ask about the source for a specific post, pm me.**

 **I'll probably do about this many each time. If you want more per upload, feel free to let me know :)**

* * *

 **Fyr:** Sometimes… it's yeet or be yeeted

 **Rae:** I am begging you to just stop talking

 **Harley:** *sticking his head into the room* Actually, the past tense of yeet is yote

 **Harley:** *dodges the various items Rae throws at him and flees the room*

* * *

 **Rogue:** My doctor told me to limit my alcohol intake to one glass a night

 **Rogue:** But last time I checked, bottles were made of glass

 **Rogue:** *drinks whiskey straight out of the bottle*

* * *

 **Harley:** You remind me of the ocean

 **Rae:** Because I'm deep and mysterious?

 **Harley:** No, because you're salty and you scare people

* * *

 **Bazzle:** I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me

 **Harley:** Ok, but in my defense, Kay bet me 50 Glimmer that I couldn't drink all that shampoo

 **Bazzle:** That's not what I wanted to-

 **Bazzle:** You drank SHAMPOO?

* * *

 **Fyr:** So I'm gonna go grab a healthy breakfast

 **Bazzle:** Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?

 **Fyr:** Breakfast burrito, but yeah

 **Bazzle:** I pity your dentist

 **Fyr:** Joke's on you! I don't have a dentist.

* * *

 **Rae:** But who can I trust?

 **Jade:** Yourself?  
 **Rae:** *scoffs* No

* * *

 **A/N: All of these are my personal headcannons for my characters. These posts can also be found on my tumblr. Just search for "Chasing Fate: A Destiny Story"**


	2. Chapter 2

(I feel like Harley and Fyr get up to stuff on their downtime)

* * *

 **Fyr:** *runs into Harley's room* Do you wanna make 20 Glimmer?

 **Harley:** How?

 **Fyr:** I need you to take the blame for something

 **Bazzle, from downstairs** : Oh. My. God!

 **Harley:** What the hell did you do?!

 **Fyr:** I can't tell you. Yes or no. No questions asked.

 **Bazzle:** OH MY GOD!

 **Harley:** Make it 40

* * *

 **Jade:** You're pale as a ghost. Light bounces off your skin. I know what you are.

 **Fyr:** Out loud. Say it.

 **Jade:** Iron deficient

 **Fyr:** What the fuck

* * *

 **Rae:** Here is my wall of inspirational women

 **Harley:** Is that a picture of you?

 **Rae:** I'm big enough to admit that I'm often inspired by myself

* * *

(I also feel like Harley and Kaedro mess around a lot)

* * *

 **Harley** : What if ducks threw bread back at you?

 **Kaedro** : You'd have to duck

 **Rae:** I hate you both

* * *

 **Harley:** Love is dead and never existed. All you did was betray me as I lay sick and festering. You are the definition of dread.

 **Jade:** Are you ok?

 **Harley:**

 **Harley:** Fyr stole my garlic bread

* * *

 **Rae** : I'm what I call a realist, but in philosophical terms, I'm what's called an asshole

* * *

 **Kaedro:** Preemptive strike! Anything that comes out of your mouth is stupid!

 **Rae:** Kaedro


	3. Chapter 3

**Fyr:** That's one of my biggest fears

 **Harley:** What is?

 **Fyr:** If I ever woke up as a donut…

 **Harley:** You'd eat yourself

 **Fyr:** I wouldn't even question it

* * *

 **Prism:** How does it feel to be a Hunter?

 **Harley:** I've been one for three hours and I already want to quit

* * *

 **Fyr:** Do you think pigeons have feelings?

 **Rae:** I'm gonna give you one more chance to shut the fuck up

* * *

 **Rae:** On a scale of 1 to 10, how much am I gonna hate this plan of yours?

 **Harley:** About an 85

 **Rae:** Oh good

* * *

 **Bazzle:** How are you feeling?

 **Rae:** I have this annoying headache that comes and goes

 **Fyr, entering the room:** Rae! Are you fine? Do you need something?

 **Rae:** There it is

* * *

 **Bazzle:** Allerton, may I speak to you in private?

 **Fyr:** Ooh, someone's in trouble!

 **Bazzle:**

 **Fyr:**

 **Fyr:** It's me. I don't know why I did that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Bazzle:** Are you in my ceiling, Hayden?

 **Harley, muffled:** ...No

* * *

 **Harley, texting:** You don't have to sign your name on texts

 **Bazzle, texting:** Dear Hayden, suggestion noted. Sincerely, Bazzle Torelli

* * *

 **Harley:** I wasn't injured. I was lightly stabbed.

 **Bazzle:** You were _stabbed?_

 **Harley:** Lightly stabbed

* * *

 **Kaedro:** Are we friends again?

 **Harley:** No.

 **Kaedro:**

 **Harley:**

 **Harley:** We're brothers

 **Kaedro:** That was terrifying, don't pause like that!

* * *

 **Kaedro:** Look, let's just agree to say sorry on the count of three. One, two, three…

 **Rae:**

 **Kaedro:**

 **Kaedro:** See, now I'm disappointed in both of us

* * *

 **Fyr:** Guess what I'm holding behind my back

 **Jade:** Before we begin, what are the parameters of the guessing game? How many guesses do I get? Is there a time limit?

 **Fyr:** Forget it. You ruin everything.

* * *

 **Harley:** Me and Fyr are gonna go on a mission tonight. Isn't that right, Fyr?

 **Fyr:** Oh, you know we will! We'll call ourselves the Night Boys!

 **Harley:** ...Kinda sounds like a male escort service

 **Fyr:** The Midnight Men!

 **Harley** : Even worse!

 **Fyr:** The Dark Stallions!

 **Harley:** LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING WITH THE NIGHT BOYS

* * *

 **Bazzle:** You could have died

 **Fyr:** I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's _supposed_ to be

* * *

 **A/N: I hope you guys are enjoying these as much as I enjoy posting them**

 **ConnorPerson: Stealing garlic bread definitely _should_ be punishable by death**


	5. Chapter 5

**Harley:** All right, you're clearly not listening to me. I can say whatever I want.

 **Rogue:** Tell me about it

 **Harley:** I murdered Fyr last night

 **Rogue:** I feel you

 **Harley:** Now that I have the taste for blood, I can't stop murdering

 **Rogue:** Been there

* * *

 **Kaedro:** We need a plan of attack!

 **Rogue:** I have a plan. Attack!

* * *

 **Prism:** You're sick, your temperature is 104.1!

 **Harley:** If I was sick, could I do this?

 **Harley:** *staring at Prism*

 **Prism:** What are you doing?

 **Harley:** ...cartwheels. Am I not doing them?

 **Prism** : *softly* No

* * *

[Fyr, running]

 **Bazzle:** What do you have?

 **Fyr:** A KNIFE!

 **Bazzle:** NO!

* * *

 **Fyr:** In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost

 **Fyr:** head, shoulders, knees, and toes

 **Fyr:** turn up your nose, strike that pose

 **Fyr:** heeeeeey macarena

* * *

 **Harley:** Where you going?

 **Rae:** Well, that depends

 **Rae:** When I die, probably hell. But right now I'm going to the bathroom.

* * *

 **Jade:** Harley you didn't pay the power bill! Are you serious?

 **Fyr, strumming a guitar:** /When your lights don't work like they used to before/

 **Rae:** FYR SHUT THE FUCK UP


	6. Chapter 6

**Jade:** Could you please stop saying "yeet" it's not funny anymore

 **Rae, muttering:** Never was

 **Fyr:** I'll stop when my soul leaves my body.

 **Jade:**

 **Fyr:** so when thIS BITCH EMPTY-

 **Jade:** N o

 **Fyr:** _YEET_

* * *

 **Jade:** You called Fyr? And not me?

 **Harley:** Well, when you have a crazy theory, you don't call the voice of reason

* * *

 **Fyr:** Do I look like a killer to you?

 **Rae:** Yes, you kill my patience

* * *

 **Harley:** I'm fine. It's just that life is pointless, and nothing matters, and I'm always tired

* * *

 **Rae, to Fyr:** I don't even have time to tell you how wrong you are

 **Rae:**

 **Rae:** Actually, it's gonna bug me if I don't

* * *

 **Harley:** I've only slept nine hours over the past four days so I'm right on the verge of a nervous breakdown

 **Harley:** *Bites his Holopad*

 **Harley:** This isn't a bagel

* * *

 **Bazzle:** I believe you're capable of much more

 **Harley:** I'm not

* * *

[door opens]

 **Kaedro:** What are you doing here?

 **Harley:** Running away from my problems

 **Kaedro:** *moves aside* Come on in

* * *

 **Kaedro:** That's it, I'm done. My new motto in life is just "What would Fyr do?"

 **Jade:** That's a good way to get yourself killed

* * *

 **Harley:** Is there a word that's a mix between angry and sad?

 **Jade:** Malcontented, disgruntled, miserable, desolated…

 **Fyr:** Smad


	7. Chapter 7

**Jade:** You're not in any pain are you?

 **Harley:** Jade, I'm fine

 **Harley:** I mean, I'm fine physically, but emotionally I've lost all grip on reality and I'm not sure what just happened

* * *

 **Rae:** Dear Santa

 **Rae:** I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty

 **Rae** : And it was worth it, you fat, judgmental bastard

* * *

 **Rae:** I could kill you if I wanted to

 **Harley:** Yeah? So could any other Guardian.

 **Harley:** So could a dog

 **Harley:** So could a really dedicated duck

 **Harley:** You're not special

* * *

(in case anyone was wondering)

* * *

 **Harley:** I like my women how I like my men

 **Harley:**

 **Harley:** That's it

 **Harley:** That's the joke

 **Harley:** I'm bisexual

* * *

 **Harley:** Being tired isn't even a mood anymore

 **Harley:** It's my entire personality

 **Harley:** I am 80% exhaustion, 10% sarcasm, and 20% don't care

 **Rae:** That's 110%

 **Harley:** 20% of me doesn't care

* * *

 **Fyr:** I have no parental figure telling me not to wrestle bears

 **Kaedro, quickly:** It's me. I am that figure. I am telling you now, do not wrestle bears.

* * *

[in the Chaser group chat]

 **Harley:** If you're reading this, I'm your dad now

 **Harley:** Go cut the grass

 **Kaedro:** It's 2 am

 **Harley:** You heard me. Use a flashlight.

* * *

 **Rae:** When I was born, the gods said, "Too pure, too much perfection."

 **Harley:** Wrong

 **Harley:** When you were born, the devil said, "OOooOoooOhHhH ComPeTitiON!"


	8. Chapter 8

**Fyr:** I'm 80% water, 20% pizza, and 100% swag

 **Kaedro:** But that's 200%

 **Fyr:** I'm twice the man you'll ever be

* * *

 **Harley:** How the fuck do people stay motivated their entire lives? What drives you? I got out of bed once and I've been exhausted ever since.

 **Rae:** You need to learn to hate life to the point where you want to get revenge on existence itself

* * *

 **Rae:** When I first met you, I didn't like you

 **Fyr:** I know

 **Rae:** But then you and I had some time together

 **Fyr:** Uh-huh

 **Rae:** It didn't get better

* * *

 **Harley:** Uh, Kay, can I ask you a question?

 **Kaedro:** Yeah

 **Harley:** Why are we lying on the ground?

 **Kaedro:** You got knocked out, so I laid down next to you so people would think we're just chillin'

* * *

"Wake me up"

 **Fyr:** Before you go go

 **Kaedro:** When September ends

 **Liv:** When it's all over

 **Harley:** WAKE ME UP INSIDE

* * *

 **Rogue:** Hey, let's do "Get Help"

 **Harley:** What?

 **Rogue:** Get Help

 **Harley:** No

 **Rogue:** Come on, you love it

 **Harley:** I hate it

 **Rogue:** It's great. Works every time.

 **Harley:** It's humiliating

 **Rogue:** Got a better plan?

 **Harley:** ...No

 **Rogue:** We're doing it

 **Harley:** We are not doing "Get Help"

*5 seconds later*

 **Rogue:** *holding Harley* GET HELP! PLEASE! MY FRIEND IS DYING! GET HELP! HELP HIM! *throws Harley at enemies*

 **Rogue:** Classic

 **Harley:** *stands up and brushes himself off* Still hate it. It's humiliating.

 **Rogue:** Not for me it's not

* * *

 **Rae:** Sup, Kay

 **Kaedro:** Read at 12:48pm

 **Rae:**

 **Rae:** This is a verbal conversation, idiot

* * *

 **Bazzle:** There are three ways to do this: the good way, the bad way, and the Allerton way.

 **Harley:** Isn't the Allerton way the same as the bad way?

 **Bazzle:** Yes, but it's faster

* * *

 **looks like a cinnamon roll but could actually kill you:** Harley/Bazzle

 **looks like they could kill you but is actually a cinnamon roll:** Jade

 **looks like a cinnamon roll and is actually a cinnamon roll:** Tristan

 **looks like they could kill you and would actually kill you:** Rae/Rogue

 **might accidentally kill themselves from eating too many cinnamon rolls:** Fyr

 **the sinnamon roll:** Kaedro

* * *

 **A/N: I honestly don't know how many of these there are going to be because I can't stop making them XD But I'm glad you guys are enjoying them. Thank you all for the favorites/follows!**

 **nalu344: Glad you like them! I was hoping they'd provide a bit more insight into the Chasers as a team**


	9. Chapter 9

**Kaedro:** Come on, I wasn't that drunk

 **Harley:** You tried to color my face with a highlighter because you said I was important

 **Kaedro, sobbing:** Because you are!

* * *

 **Bazzle:** Hayden, we need to talk about your professionalism. I expected this from Allerton, not from you.

 **Harley, standing on a chair:** Those are some mighty brave words for a guy standing in lava

* * *

 **Rae:** I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, I didn't sign up for this shit

* * *

 **Fyr:** Hey wanna joining the snowball fight?

 **Harley:**

 **Jade:** Harley what's wrong?

 **Harley:** I've never actually been in a snowball fight

 **Fyr:** Really?

 **Harley:** I don't even know the rules. Is there like a point system or… to the death?

* * *

 **Bazzle:** You all are not

 **Rogue:** Y'all ain't

 **Fyr:** YAINT

* * *

 **Harley:** Why was 6 afraid of 7?

 **Bazzle:** I assume because it is a prime number and prime numbers can be intimidating

 **Harley:**

 **Harley:** 'Cause 7 8 9

 **Bazzle:** Oh

* * *

 **Harley:** If I run and leap at Rogue, he will most certainly catch me in his arms

 **Harley:** Coming in!

 **Rogue:** NO! I'M HOLDING COFFEE!

 **Rogue:** *drops coffee to catch Harley*

* * *

 **Bazzle:** Korrin, please keep an eye on Allerton today. He is going to say something to the wrong person and get himself punched.

 **Rae:** Sure, I'd love to see Allerton get punched

 **Bazzle** : Try again

 **Rae:** I will stop Allerton from getting punched…

 **Bazzle:** Correct

* * *

 **Jade:** Do you ever want to talk about your emotions?

 **Harley:** No

 **Fyr:** I do

 **Jade:** I know Fyr

 **Fyr:** I'm sad

 **Jade:** I know Fyr

* * *

 **Fyr:** You can trust me in the City. I'm a law-abiding Guardian.

 **Kaedro:** Name one law

 **Fyr:** Don't kill people

 **Kaedro:** ...That's on me. I set the bar too low.


	10. Chapter 10

(I meant to put this in an earlier one but I forgot. Happy Festival of the Lost guys)

* * *

 **Jade:** What are you guys going to be for Festival of the Lost?

 **Harley:** Sad

 **Bazzle:** Gay

 **Rae:** Sexy

 **Fyr:** Minecraft

 **Kaedro:** Minecraft as well

* * *

 **Bazzle:** You're late again

 **Rae:** Listen I wasn't even going to show up today so don't even start

* * *

 **Harley:** *staring at the ceiling*

 **Rae:** Great, now what?

 **Harley:** If I mix an energy drink with coffee, would that be more efficient?

 **Bazzle:** And this is why we took away the coffee maker

* * *

 **Prism:** Well, I warned you

 **Harley:** You did

 **Prism:** But did you listen?

 **Harley:** No

 **Prism:** Do you ever listen?

 **Harley:** No

 **Prism:** Are you listening now?

 **Harley:** No

* * *

 **Fyr, cuffed to a chair cuz he doesn't voluntarily go to team meetings:** Look, you already have me in here, what more do you want?

 **Rae:** I want you to admit that we're all in this mess because of you

 **Fyr:** Sure, you want it in writing?

 **Rae:** *holds notepad and puts pen in Fyr's mouth*

 **Fyr:** *grunting as he writes with his mouth* There we go

[Rae looks at the page, which reads "You suck"]

 **Fyr:** Ha! I did that with my mouth!

* * *

 **Kaedro:** Do you have any ideas, Rogue, or do you just want to keep drinking?

 **Rogue:** I think I'll keep drinking for a while and then I'll have an idea

* * *

 **Harley:** I met a dumbass today, awful

 **Rae:** You looked in a mirror?

 **Harley:**

 **Harley:** Someday you will have to answer for your actions and the world may not be so merciful

* * *

 **Fyr:** Waffles are just pancakes with abs!

 **Jade:** Sometimes I wonder how your mind works

* * *

 **Fyr:** I'm watching a sports

 **Fyr:** The sports did good

 **Kaedro:** Did the ball go?

 **Fyr:** Fuck, dude, it sure did

* * *

 **Kaedro:** Just had a dream where someone stole my socks and used them to frame me for murder using the DNA on them

 **Harley:** I dreamt I stole someone's socks

 **Kaedro:** I'M CALLING THE VANGUARD!

* * *

 **Kaedro:** Baz, you'll love this one… When you're gay in your house with nobody else, you're homolone.

 **Harley:** When you're bi and there's nobody else around, you're biyourself

[Kay and Ace removed from groupchat]


	11. Chapter 11

**Rae:** Not much could ruin today

 **Fyr:** Hi Rae!

 **Rae:** Shit, I forgot, saying that summons him

* * *

 **Harley:** There's only one solution. Someone has to go to Zavala and talk to him.

 **Kaedro:** I vote we all look at Bazzle at the same time

* * *

 **Guard:** How long has he been missing?

 **Jade:** A few hours

 **Guard:** Ok, can you describe him?

 **Jade:** Average height, shaggy reddish-brown hair, scars on his face, brown eyes-

 **Harley, loudly:** And he hates dogs!

 **Fyr, hiding in a bush:** NO HE DOESN'T!

* * *

 **Rae, watching the news:** Some idiot tried to fight a goose in the City today

 **Fyr, covered in bites and feathers:** Maybe the goose was being a dick

* * *

 **Harley:** Hey, what time is it?

 **Fyr:** I dunno, give me that trombone and I'll find out

[1 minute later]

 **Rae:** who the fUCK IS PLAYING A TROMBONE AT TWO A.M.?!

 **Fyr:** It's two am

* * *

 **Kaedro:** What's the worst decision you've made while drunk?

 **Rogue:** Don't mean to brag but I don't even need alcohol to make bad decisions

* * *

(I believe in my heart of hearts that Fyr would find some way to discover meme culture and then proceed to teach it to his friends)

* * *

[Harley and Fyr, training new Guardians while Bazzle's gone]

 **Fyr:** Are you smol beans?!

 **Guardians:** SIR NO SIR!

 **Harley:** Are you heckin DOGGOS?!

 **Guardians:** SIR NO SIR!

 **Fyr:** *points to the Guardian banner* Is that a BIG MOOD?!"

 **Guardians:** SIR YES SIR!

* * *

 **Rogue:** Before leaving my quarters I like to ask myself important questions like "Is this worth putting pants on for?"

* * *

 **Harley:** Whenever I screw up something I just say "We're in the endgame now" and people think I know what I'm doing

* * *

 **Fyr, who doesn't know the words to Footloose, jamming:** FOOTLOOSE, PET GOOSE, PICKED A FIGHT WITH A MOOSE

 **Jade:** Fyr, no-

 **Fyr:** CHEESE, STIFF BREEZE, WATCH OUT THERE ARE TEN BEES

* * *

 **Rae:** Who the fuck

 **Bazzle:** Language

 **Rae:** Whom the fuck

* * *

 **Rae:** Sorry, I lost my teammate Fyr, can I make an announcement?

 **Rae, into a mic:** Goodbye, you little shit.

* * *

 **A/N: So this is gonna be the last one for a while. They WILL be back, though, so be ready ;) I hope you've been enjoying them.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Fyr:** That's absurd!

 **Rae:** You're absurd!

 **Fyr:** WHat?! Say that again to my face!

 **Rae:** YOU'RE ABSURD!

 **Fyr:** THAT'S ABSURD!

* * *

 **Harley:** I don't have the energy for this

 **Jade:** For what?

 **Harley:** *gestures vaguely*

* * *

 **Kaedro:** Are you drinking root beer for breakfast?

 **Fyr:** Yeah. What did you have for breakfast?

 **Kaedro:** Nothing

 **Fyr:** I'm doing better than you

* * *

 **Fyr:** What you're doing is illegal

 **Kaedro:** I'm not taking advice from you. You pronounce the "g" in "lasagna."

* * *

 **Rae:** I know where you live!

 **Harley:** And I live where you live!

* * *

 **Fyr** : Not all heroes wear capes, a lot of them wear collars and are called dogs

* * *

 **Harley** : I had my shit together for like 3 days once

* * *

 **Harley:** What if I pour coffee in my cereal instead of milk?

 **Kaedro, taking the coffee pot as he walks by:** What if you don't

* * *

 **Fyr** : I'm gonna be honest, I feel like you don't like me

 **Rae** : I've told you multiple times that I don't

* * *

 **Harley** : Commander, I really don't see the point in getting upset over spilled milk

 **Zavala:** Why would I be upset? The Tower dining hall will be unusable for the next fortnight and one of my Guardians orchestrated it.

 **Harley:** Actually it was two. Kay was there as well.

 **Kaedro** : Why would you say that?

 **Harley:** I just thought it would help cushion the blow if we distribute the blame

 **Kaedro:** Cushion who?

 **Harley:** Me mostly

* * *

 **Jade:** Where's Fyr?

 **Rae:** Somewhere disappointing the Traveler

* * *

 **Bazzle, on the comms with Harley:** Hayden, the worst thing you can do in these situations is take matters into your own hands

 **Harley, over the comms:** Got it

 **Harley, after hanging up:** We're gonna have to take matters into our own hands

* * *

 **Rae:** I'll get Allerton back. Dead or alive.

 **Jade:** Alive!

 **Rae:** Fine

 **Rae, muttering:** Didn't say anything about conscious, though

* * *

 **Rogue:** So you think someone planted it?

 **Kaedro:** No, I think someone put it there on purpose

 **Rogue:** That's what I just said

 **Kaedro:** But mine wasn't in the form of a question, so it came from a place of power

* * *

(and here's a bonus brought to you by Fireteam Calypso)

* * *

 **Kai:** Settle this. Are they called "gifs" or "jifs"?

 **Tristan:** Well, the G stands for "graphics". That's a hard G, so I would say "gif."

 **Liv:** What? The guy who invented it said it's "jif."

 **Kai:** I'm sorry, do you mean the guy or the _juy_?


	13. Chapter 13

[Harley and Kaedro playing chess]

 **Harley:** I'm gonna move the pointy one to…

 **Kaedro:** Ace, what's this piece called?

 **Harley:** I call him Dwight

* * *

 **Harley:** *wakes up* Wait… where am I?

 **Rae, sarcastically:** In heaven

 **Harley:** Oh

 **Harley:**

 **Harley:** Didn't think you'd be here

* * *

 **Fyr:** It's just a moo point

 **Kaedro:** A moo point?

 **Fyr:** Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion: it just doesn't matter. It's moo.

 **Kaedro, to Jade:** Have we been hanging out with him too long or did that all just make sense?

* * *

 **Rae:** You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking. Has anyone seen my list, by the way?

 **Harley:** Uh, no. What's it look like?

 **Rae:** It's a piece of paper that says "Allerton" on it

* * *

 **Fyr:** So then I got kicked out of the group for good because apparently I'm a "liability" and "reckless" and "Fyr". The last one's just my name but you should hear their tone.

* * *

 **Harley:** And how exactly will you stop me?

 **Kaedro:** I'll call Bazzle

 **Harley:**

 **Harley:** Goddamnit

* * *

 **Bazzle:** I'm easygoing

 **Kaedro:** Baz, I once saw you use a ruler to measure another ruler

 **Bazzle:** It was off by half a centimeter. It should have never been in circulation.

* * *

 **Fyr** : Bazzle, I think I speak for all of us when-

 **Jade & Harley:** He doesn't

* * *

(little nod to the oneshots)

* * *

 **Harley, at UFA:** For some reason, I have trouble believing people actually have my back. I don't know why. Probably my dad abandoning me. Maybe something I should work out in therapy, but who has an hour to spare once every two weeks, right?

* * *

 **Fyr** : Jade freaked out 'cause I told her I never drink water, so now she's making me drink eight glasses a day. It's like, there's water in soda, there's water in coffee, there's little pools of water on pizza-

 **Kaedro:** That's grease, Fyr

 **Fyr:** Well it's wet, isn't it?

* * *

 **Rae:** I am offended. I am angry. I am very tired… So I'm going to take a nap, but when I wake up, oh you are in for it.

[4 hours later]

 **Rae:** How dare you


	14. Chapter 14

**Harley:** Good morning

 **Jade:** Good morning!

 **Bazzle:** Good morning

 **Kaedro:** You all sound like robots, "good morning, good morning." Spice it up a bit!

 **Rae:** HEY MOTHERFUCKERS!

* * *

 **Liv, introducing herself:** Hi, Liv Marko. The Awoken form of the 100 emoji.

* * *

 **Liv, Kai, and Tristan:** *skipping rocks on a lake*

 **Liv:** It's so nice out here

 **Tristan:** Yes, it's nice to relax every once in a while

 **Kai:** TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING LAKE

* * *

 **Kaedro:** The dead sea is the saltiest thing in the word

 **Rae:** Next to your bitch ass

* * *

 **Kai:** You know that's not a stress ball, right? It's a lemon.

 **Kaedro:** Let me have my process

* * *

 **Kai:** Did you just fall?

 **Liv:** I attacked the floor

 **Kai:** Backwards?

 **Liv:** I'm freakin talented

* * *

 **Kai:** Tell him off, Tristan! Assert yourself!

 **Tristan:** That's my ice cream cone!

 **Kai:** Great, now let him have it!

 **Tristan:** You can have it!

* * *

 **Liv:** Write "nothing is set in stone" on my grave as both a witty pun and a subtle warning that I will be back.

* * *

[Kaedro spots Kai in the mess hall and walks over]

 **Kaedro:** Well, well, well. What do we have here?

 **Kai:** Zero interest

* * *

 **Tristan:** I've decided not to care anymore!

 **Tristan:** I will still probably care though

 **Tristan:** Possibly more than before

* * *

 **Tristan:** I just worry about hurting their feelings

 **Kai:** Hurt their feelings..? You just walk around all day caring about people's feelings?

 **Tristan:** Yeah. Don't you?

 **Kai:** No.

* * *

 **Harley:** I didn't want to do this, but I know one way we can get Glimmer.

 **Kaedro:** You'd make a decent prostitute

 **Harley:** I'd make an amazing prostitute, but I was actually talking about this guy I know.


	15. Chapter 15

**Jade:** Something has to be done, and I have a plan. We use mankind's greatest weapon.

 **Kai:** A grenade

 **Jade:** The written word

 **Kai:** Ugh, I'm out

* * *

 **Tristan:** Why are people so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, I'd be excited just to _have_ a bunk bed.

 **Kai:**

 **Liv:**

 **Kai:** I'm gonna tell him

 **Liv:** Don't you dare

* * *

 **Liv:** Can I say something that will probably annoy you?

 **Kai:** Since when do you ask for permission?

* * *

 **Kai:** When people get a little too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them

 **Liv:** That's a genius move

 **Kai:** Thank you

 **Liv:** You're welcome, Kelly

* * *

 **Liv:** Describe your ideal man

 **Jade:** He's dark, mysterious, he can sing, and he plays the organ

 **Liv:** I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera

* * *

 **Liv:** I have an idea. It's very uncool. It's not illegal technically… But it's a dick move.

 **Kai:**

 **Kai:** I love it!

* * *

 **Liv:** Name a way to be nice to others

 **Kai:** Don't kill them

 **Tristan:** Jesus Christ

 **Liv:** That's setting the bar a little low, but I'll allow it

* * *

 **Tristan:** If you kill a killer, the number of killers in the world stays the same

 **Kai:** Kill two

* * *

 **Jade:** I'm having a problem with someone

 **Kai:** Kill them

 **Jade:** No

 **Kai:** Then I will kill them FOR you

 **Jade:** NO!

* * *

 **Kai:** How do you turn off your emotions?

 **Kaedro:** Ok, first go to settings

 **Kaedro:**

 **Kaedro:** I'm a fucking idiot I thought you said emojis

 **Kai:** No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next?

* * *

 **Liv:** When people say "you're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep in 'till noon because I am a problem solver

* * *

(the Hunter squad)

* * *

"Wake me up"

 **Fyr:** Before you go go

 **Kaedro:** When September ends

 **Liv:** When it's all over

 **Harley:** WAKE ME UP INSIDE


	16. Chapter 16

**Kai:** The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people.

 **Kai:** I once worked with a guy for 3 years and never learned his name

 **Kai:** Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

* * *

 **Kai:** Going to meetings, writing things down, you love that nerd stuff

 **Tristan:** Writing things down is nerdy? What do you do?

 **Kai:** Just forget stuff like a cool person

* * *

[knock on door]

 **Liv:** You wanna get that?

 **Kai:** And interact with people? No thank you.

* * *

 **Kai:** Take him out? He means, like, kill him?

 **Jade:** No, what I think he means is dinner and a movie

* * *

 **Kai:** I have an idea

 **Liv:** Kai, your last idea was murder

* * *

 **Jade:** I'm a Warlock! Books are my weapons!

 **Kai:** I'm a Titan. Weapons are my weapons.

* * *

 **Kai:** The nerve of some people, trying to talk to me like I'm actually going to listen

 **Kai:** I've been building Tristan's trust for years with high-fives. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow."

 **Kai:** Welcome to the real world, Tristan

* * *

 **Kai:** I sold Tristan's books so I could have Glimmer to buy a pet

 **Kai:** The bookshelf? Useless.

 **Kai:** My team? Mad.

 **Kai:** My iguana?

 **Kai:** Sick as fuck

* * *

 **Liv:** Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.

 **Kai:** Yeah, break their bones. They have 206 of those.

* * *

(Hunter squad)

* * *

 **Harley:** L is for the way you look at me

 **Kaedro:** O is for the only one I see

 **Liv:** V is very very extraordinary

 **Fyr:** Egg

* * *

 **Kai:** You're not programmed to feel joy

 **Kaedro:** Yeah, but my software's due for an exuberance upgrade

 **Kai:** You know, when you play along with the robot jokes it kind of ruins my enjoyment of them

 **Kaedro:** Yeah, I know

* * *

 **Felix:** You always see the worst in people

 **Kai:** Yeah, because people are the worst

* * *

 **Kai:** You can't expect me to stab somebody on an empty stomach

 **Tristan:** I'd prefer you didn't stab anyone at all, Kai

* * *

 **Kai:** That's a terrible plan

 **Kai:**

 **Kai:** But I like it, so let's do it

* * *

 **Liv:** You disturb me

 **Liv:** And your obsession with guns disturbs me

 **Liv:** And you disturb me

 **Kai:** You said that twice

 **Liv:** Yes

* * *

 **Kai:** Any knife is a pocket knife if you can fit it in your pocket

* * *

 **Tristan:** Are you posing? There aren't any cameras here.

 **Liv:** Vanguard satellites. Always taking pics.

* * *

 **Tristan:** It's a white flag and you might as well start waving it now, Kai

 **Kai:** The only thing I'll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!

 **Tristan:** ...Dear Light

* * *

 **Liv:** Are you ready?

 **Kai:** I was revived ready

 **Kai:**

 **Kai:**

 **Kai:**

 **Kai:** I'm Kai fucking Grayham


	17. Chapter 17

**Fyr:** I really wanted silver M&M's but they don't make those. So I just painted regular ones.

 **Bazzle:** Did you use edible paint?

 **Fyr:** That exists?

 **Bazzle, sighing deeply:** Well, you can't eat them now. That's poisonous.

 **Fyr:** Haha yeah...obviously

 **Bazzle:** Go throw up

 **Fyr:** What do you mean? I didn't even eat-

 **Bazzle:** Go throw up

 **Fyr:** ...ok

* * *

 **Rae:** I am offended. I am angry. I am very tired… So I'm going to take a nap, but when I wake up, oh you are in for it.

[4 hours later]

 **Rae:** How dare you

* * *

 **Rogue, drunk and holding Harley's head with one hand:** Your head is so small. It's so small. Where do you keep your brains?

* * *

 **Bazzle:** Both of you have done exemplary work, which I appreciate

 **Harley** : And I can see that by the absolutely no indicators on your face

* * *

 **Kaedro:** You either die a hero...or you turn out like me

 **Rae:** A loser?

* * *

 **Zavala:** Especially you, Hayden, I expect more from you

 **Fyr:** Why don't you expect more from me?

 **Zavala:** All I'm hoping out of you is a haircut

* * *

 **Fyr:** I'm going to tell you all my secrets

 **Fyr:** I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks

 **Fyr:** I didn't actually sell my Sparrow, I just forgot where I left it

 **Fyr:** I don't know who Lord Saladin is and at this point, I'm too afraid to ask

 **Fyr:** When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is

 **Fyr:** I once threw a juicebox at a swan and it attacked my Ghost

* * *

 **Fyr:** Only the Vanguard can order me to do something

 **Ikora:** *walks by*

 **Rae:** Ikora! Can you order Allerton to help me with this patrol?

 **Ikora:** Fyr, do the patrol

 **Rae:** HA!

* * *

 **Fyr:** Ace. Ace, I screwed up, big time.

 **Harley:** Fyr, given your daily life experiences, you're gonna have to be more specific.

* * *

 **Kai, shoving citizens out of the way:** Out of my way, extras!

 **Tristan:** St-stop calling people "extras" just because you don't know them

* * *

 **Fyr** : I think you and I are a little more similar than you might think

 **Rae** : That's a terrible thing to say

* * *

(the Hunters unite against Zavala's rules)

* * *

 **Cayde:** Rules are made to be broken

 **Zavala:** They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

 **Fyr:** Uh, pinatas

 **Harley:** Glowsticks

 **Liv:** Karate boards

 **Kaedro:** Spaghetti when you have a small pot

 **Cayde:** Rules

* * *

 **Liv:** Hail Satan

 **Fyr:** Rain Satan

 **Harley:** Snow Satan

 **Kaedro:** Tomorrow there is a 90% chance of precipisatan

 **Cayde:** It'll be foggy in the morning, lots of condensatan

 **Rae:** Fuck you guys

* * *

 **Cayde:** I don't know how much you know about space, but me? I'm a master. Ask me something about space.

 **Harley:** Is it big?

 **Cayde:** Probably

* * *

 **Cayde:** Wait for it, wait for it… 7:01. Zavala is officially late for the first time ever. Alright, let's do this. Who's got theories?

 **Fyr:** His alarm didn't go off

 **Cayde:** All three alarms, all with battery backups? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

 **Liv:** Oh! He was taken in his sleep.

 **Cayde:** That's what I'm talking about. Super dark, Liv, but way more plausible than Fyr's idiotic alarm clock theory.

 **Harley:** I bet he tucked himself in his bed too tight and got stuck

 **Kaedro:** Maybe he fell into another dimension where he's interesting

* * *

 **Bazzle:** As Kaedro is fond of saying: you either die a hero...or you turn out like me

 **Fyr:** Bald?

 **The Chasers:** *muffled and slightly horrified laughter*

* * *

 **A/N: Apologies for my absence lately. I posted reasons for it on both my tumblr and Twitter, but for those of you not on those platforms, the next few chapters of The Final Shape are still going through the beta process, so it'll be a bit before the next update.**

 **In other news, digital art of the Chasers is up on both Twitter and tumblr, so feel free to check that out. Also, I ran a Twitter poll and it seems there's some support for Dawning-based prompts of my Chasing Fate characters. So if there's something you'd like to see fitting the Dawning/Christmas theme, you can PM me or write it in the review section.**

 **For anyone who doesn't follow me on other platforms but would like to, both are under the name ArcaneGlitch. You can also find me on discord as ArcaneGlitch#3784 if you'd like to join the writing server I've set up. We have writing and art channels, as well as a Destiny one to discuss lore and other things.**

 **Anyway, until next time!**

 **\- TheWolfParadox**


	18. Chapter 18

**Kai:** I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for ten minutes

* * *

 **Kai, after being revived** : Jesus Christ is that a fucking gremlin?

 **Felix:** No, I'm a Ghost

 **Kai:** Whatever, just no one feed that fucking thing after midnight

* * *

 **Ikora:** If you have any questions, just ask

 **Fyr:** If a bear and a shark had a fight, who would win?

 **Ikora:** If you have any relevant questions, just ask

* * *

 **Fyr:** [hacker voice] I'm in

 **Kaedro:** I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to say "hacker voice"

* * *

 **Tristan:** I made you this friendship bracelet

 **Kai:** Oh well, you know I'm not really much of a jewelry person…

 **Tristan:** Oh, well that's ok, you don't have to wear it

 **Kai:** No I'm gonna wear it forever back off

* * *

 **Jade:** You should start worrying about your own body. When is the last time you had a carrot?

 **Fyr:** Well, it's my least favorite type of cake, so rarely

 **Jade:**

 **Fyr:** If I absolutely have to I'll just eat the frosting

* * *

 **Kai:** I never know what to say to people in funerals

 **Tristan:** Just say "I'm sorry for your loss" then move on

[at funeral]

 **Kai:** I'm sorry for your loss, move on

* * *

 **Bazzle:** Everybody know what they're doing?

 **Harley:** In general or in the plan?

 **Rae:** The plan, Ace

 **Harley:** Oh, phew

* * *

 **Liv:** What's the best way to kill someone?

 **Jade:** Kindness

 **Kai:** If we're being stealthy, then potassium cyanide. Otherwise anything from a knife to a bazooka works.

* * *

 **Rae:** I spy with my little eye someone who needs to shut the hell up

 **Fyr:** Is it me?

 **Rae:** It's always you

* * *

 **Liv:** Kai, we're friends but sometimes I hate you with every inch of my body

 **Kai:** That's not a lot of hate then

* * *

 **Fyr:** *to Harley* Bazzle likes to say that you can be part of the problem or part of the solution, but I happen to believe that you can be both

* * *

 **Kaedro:** I did not tell them they could leave early

 **Bazzle:** Hayden, Allerton, did Kaedro tell you you could leave early?

 **Fyr:** No

 **Kaedro:** See? Case closed.

 **Harley:** We never went

 **Bazzle:** Case open

 **Harley:** We went shopping in the City

 **Kaedro:** Haha, shush now, Ace-

 **Fyr:** Kaedro bought us matching hats. Look, look!

 **Kaedro:** Both of you go to your quarters

 **Bazzle:** ALL of you go to your quarters

* * *

 **Kai:** I hate camping. If I'm ever in the woods for three days, it means I've been dead for two of them.

* * *

 **Fyr:** I got the steak from the freezer *slams package onto counter*

 **Jade:** Why do you have chocolate on your face?

 **Fyr:** It was under a chocolate pie

 **Jade:** So you ate your way through it?

 **Fyr:** I made a judgment call. You weren't there.

* * *

 **Kai, to Tristan:** Ok, why do you look so satisfied? Did you just find the part in a book that proved you were right about something?

* * *

 **Fyr:** Ok, if someone held a gun to my head, my top three cheeses are Cheddar, Swiss, and Gouda.

 **Harley:** As someone who has actually had a gun held to his head, cheese is not what they're going to ask about.

* * *

 **Liv:** Whoa, you're being a little…

 **Tristan:** Obstreperous? Recalcitrant? Truculent?

 **Liv:** I was gonna say "cray-cray"

* * *

 **Bazzle, walking into the common area and seeing a massive cushion fort guarded by plush dinosaurs:** Allerton, what the… I don't even want to know. Clean this up, please.

 **Fyr:** Oh are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in… Fort Kickass.

* * *

 **Kai:** By the Traveler, how many times do I have to apologize for that?

 **Liv:** Once would be nice!

 **Kai:** Hmm...no


	19. Chapter 19

**Harley:** Knock knock!

 **Rae, suspiciously:** Who's there..?

 **Harley:** Interrupting Fyr

 **Rae:** Interrupting Fyr wh-

 **Fyr, barging through the door:** LIV ATE ALL THE LASAGNA!

* * *

[sirens in the distance]

 **Tristan, who has never done a single thing in his life:** They found me

* * *

 **Harley:** Battleaxe

 **Kaedro** : Uppercut

 **Bazzle:** Disembowelment?

 **Kai:** Guys, I was a baby

 **Kai** : My first word was "da-da"

* * *

 **Fyr:** *bangs his hand against a table* Ow! My armkle!

 **Kai:**

 **Kai:** Your what?

 **Harley:** His wrist

* * *

 **Liv:** Girls are hot

 **Liv:** Guys are hot

 **Liv:** Why's everybody so hot?

 **Rae:** Global warming

* * *

 **Harley:** Don't hurt me! I'm your hottest friend!

 **Kai:** Um no, that's Liv

 **Harley:** I'm your nicest friend!

 **Kai:** That's Tristan

 **Harley:** I'm your friend!

* * *

 **Harley:** I look up to Liv

 **Kai:** Do you pick her up first?

 **Harley:** No I just wait until she climbs a chair to reach the sink

 **Liv:** Fuck off both of you

* * *

 **Liv:** I wish I had the ability to make boys nervous

 **Rae:** Holding a really sharp knife to their neck usually does the trick for me

 **Harley:** As a boy, I can confirm, that makes me nervous

* * *

 **Kai:** Ace

 **Harley:** Kai

 **Fyr:** Fyr

 **Harley:** Ok you just said your own name

 **Fyr:** It was the only one left

* * *

 **Kai:** People I work with all think my name is Kai Grayham.

 **Harley:** Yeah -wait, what?

 **Kai:** Don't worry about it

* * *

 **Jade:** Interesting. The odds of that happening coincidentally are vanishingly small.

 **Tristan:** I would say infinitesimally

 **Harley:** Yes, and I would say teenily weenily. We all know words.

* * *

 **Harley:** You're violent

 **Liv:** Yeah, but I'm short so it's adorable

* * *

 **Tristan:** *shows excellent poker skills*

 **Kaedro:** Damn Tristan! Are you secretly cool?

 **Tristan:** Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends if you consider mathematician, Carl Friedrich Gauss cool?

 **Kaedro:** I do not

* * *

 **Kai:** Every talk I have with you people gets more and more absurd

 **Harley:** You say 'you people' like you're not part of the family. Well, I've got news for you. You're already on Fyr's Dawning card.

* * *

 **Tristan:** Why are people so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, I'd be excited just to have a bunk bed.

 **Kai:**

 **Kaedro:**

 **Kai:** I'm gonna tell him

 **Kaedro:** Don't you dare

* * *

 **Kai, holding a broken coffee machine:** Who broke it? I'm not mad. I just want to know.

 **Tristan:** ...I did it. I broke it.

 **Kai:** No. No, you didn't. Rogue?

 **Rogue:** Don't look at me, look at Ace

 **Harley:** What? I didn't break it!

 **Rogue:** Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

 **Harley:** 'Cause it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken!

 **Rogue:** Suspicious

 **Harley:** No, it's not!

 **Rae:** If it matters, Fyr was the last one to use it.

 **Fyr:** What?! I don't drink that!

 **Rae** : Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart?

 **Fyr** : I was gathering sugar packets for- look, that's not important!

 **Tristan:** Let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it.

 **Kai:** No. Who broke it?

 **Jade:** ...Kaedro's been awfully quiet

 **Kaedro:** Really?

 **Jade:** Yeah!

[everyone starts yelling]

*later*

 **Kai:** I broke it. It burned my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

* * *

 **A/N: I know it's been a while since I updated this one. Don't worry. I have a ton of these stockpiled. They might not line up with Chasing Fate canon, but the brilliant thing is they don't _have_ to ;D**

 **Also, many thanks to honeybadger894 for the favorites/follows and the many reviews! I hope you enjoy your time here. Since I can't respond to your reviews individually, I just wanna say I'm glad you're enjoying these incorrect quotes and there are more where they came from ;)**


	20. Chapter 20

**Rae:** LISTEN UP YOU LITTLE SHITS!

 **Rae:** Not you, Tristan. You're an angel and we're all delighted you're here

* * *

 **Bazzle:** All right Allerton, read the bottom line of the eye chart

 **Fyr:** Ok. E, H, 4, M, potato shape, coffee mug shape, smudge, smudge, middle finger, smudge, and the rest are all smudges.

 **Liv:** Jesus Christ, you flew us here!

* * *

 **Rae:** I usually take a five percent commission, but I'll make it three percent. Friends and family discount.

 **Kai:** Make it five. I don't want you getting any ideas that we're friends.

 **Rae:** Respect

* * *

 **Liv:** You have no idea what I'm capable of!

 **Rogue:** Don't take it personally, but I feel like I'm being threatened by a cupcake

* * *

 **Fyr:** Yesterday I yote my water bottle down the hallway

 **Liv:**

 **Liv:** Did you just use yeet in past tense?

* * *

 **Tristan:** Murder is never the answer!

 **Rae:** Right.

 **Rae:** Murder is the question

 **Rae:** And the answer is yes

 **Kai:** *high fives her*

* * *

 **Fyr:** Surgery is just stabbing someone to life

 **Tristan:** Please never become a surgeon

* * *

 **Bazzle:** We're a family. Families talk about things.

 **Kai:** No. Families ignore things until they go away.

* * *

 **Harley:** A water balloon fight!

 **Liv, new to the friend group:** Excuse me?

 **Harley:** That's how we usually settle issues in the Chasers. Well, that and freestyle rap battles.

* * *

 **Liv:** What do you think?

 **Fyr, licking a substance:** Definitely some weird alien drugs

 **Liv:** Are you ok?

 **Fyr, panicking:** I can't feel my tongue!

 **Liv:** Oh, god- oh, what do you want me to do?!

 **Fyr:** Call the Guardians!

 **Liv:** We _are_ the Guardians!

* * *

 **Tristan:** Well, at least it can't get worse, right? Once you've hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up!

 **Harley:** You underestimate me. I've brought my pickaxe and I'm prepared to dig.

* * *

 **Harley:** Would you shoot one of your friends in the leg for a million Glimmer?

 **Kai:** For sure. Then Rae would shoot me back for another million.

 **Kai and Rae:** *high five*

 **Bazzle:** *sighs*

* * *

 **Tristan:** *pulls curtain back while Rogue is in the shower* Rogue have you- stop screaming, it's me, Tristan- have you filed your report on our mission yet?

* * *

 **Bazzle:** Nothing in life is free

 **Liv:** Love is free

 **Harley:** Adventure is free

 **Jade:** Knowledge is free

 **Kai:** Everything is free if you take it without paying

* * *

 **Kai, to Harley:** Do you always run straight into certain death?

 **Kaedro:** Sometimes he walks. Occasionally shuffle. Once, I'm pretty sure I saw him amble into certain death.

* * *

 **Tristan, holding the door open for Harley:** After you

 **Harley:** No, after you

 **Tristan:** I insist, after you

 **Kai, pushing past both of them:** After me

* * *

 **Jade:** You don't know how to kill him

 **Rogue:** Thought I'd try violence

 **Kai:** Solid call

* * *

 **Rae:** I spent three days hacking into the secure City servers - no buzz

 **Harley:** See?

 **Rae:** But we're doing some pretty hinky stuff on Mars...hinky

 **Harley:** Look, I'm miserable, they're miserable. (to Kai) Ok, what- what have you been doing the last six months?

 **Kai:** I was on Mars

* * *

 **Liv:** MAMA DIDN'T RAISE NO LOSER

 **Harley:** But she did raise a drama queen

 **Liv:** JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN COOKIE

* * *

 **Bazzle:** Axes are impractical battle weapons

 **Kai:** I can't hear you over the swish swish of my huge fucking ax, which is cool

* * *

 **Liv:** What are we gonna do?

 **Kai:** What are you so worried about? You're so small they probably won't even see you.

 **Liv:** Kai, is this really the time to be making short jokes?

 **Kai** : Liv, it is never not the time because just like you, life is short

* * *

 **Harley:** What's it like getting a full eight hours of sleep?

 **Kai:** Still being tired but not having an excuse

* * *

 **Liv:** Best answer to getting stabbed with a knife?

 **Rae:** Rude

 **Harley:** That's fair

 **Kai:** Not again

 **Fyr:** Yeah so are you gonna take it back or can I keep it?

* * *

 **Kai:** I have an idea

 **Liv:** Kai, your last idea was murder

* * *

 **Fyr:** Kai, what do you do when you and your friend both want to ask out a girl but neither of you have dibs because you both fell in love at first sight?

 **Kai:** Well, I don't believe in dibs, or love at first sight, or love, or friends, or doing things, but it's good you brought this to me.

* * *

 **Harley:** Hey, I was wondering if you could help me out

 **Kai:** Say no more. Here's a bunch of explosives.

 **Harley:** Nope. Different thing.

* * *

 **A/N: That's right! Two in one day. About to be three because I want to catch up to the ones I have in my docs somewhat. Enjoy!**


	21. Chapter 21

**Liv:** Are you telling me you've never been punched in the face?

 **Fyr:** No, thank God! *gestures to his face* This is the money maker!

 **Kai:** First time I got punched in the face, I was like "oh no." But then I was like "this is a story."

* * *

 **Kaedro:** Ace will come up with a plan

 **Tristan:** Well, that's good. Right?

 **Kaedro:** It's possible you're not recalling some of his previous plans

* * *

 **Tristan:** *drops tea*

 **Tristan:** Oh man. This is… that's… how- how do they say it? Fyr? That's my mood! That is my mood! Fyr, text Ace!

* * *

 **Harley:** I should have Kai get you for that

 **Kai, from another room:** Who?

 **Harley:** I was just kidding around-

 **Kai, walking in, switchblade in hand:** No, is he bothering you?

* * *

 **Harley:** Hey, what time is it?

 **Fyr:** I dunno, give me that trombone and I'll find out

[1 minute later]

 **Rae:** who the fUCK IS PLAYING A TROMBONE AT TWO A.M.?!

 **Fyr:** It's two am

* * *

 **Kai:** The nerve of some people, trying to talk to me like I'm actually going to listen

* * *

 **Fyr:** *sneezes*

 **Liv, from a vent:** Bless you

 **Fyr:** TRAVELER?!

* * *

 **Liv:** Kai has these insanely strong opinions on anything. Go on, ask her a thing no one should have an opinion on.

 **Harley:** Hey, Kai, what's the worst multiple of four?

 **Kai:** Twelve, obviously. Dumbass.

* * *

 **Harley, in the Crucible:** I'm gonna take you out!

 **Tristan:** Great! It's a date!

 **Harley:** That was a threat

 **Tristan:** See you at six!

* * *

 **Liv:** Don't break someone's heart. They only have one.

 **Kai:** Yeah, break their bones. They have 206 of those.

* * *

 **Kai:** Making my way downtown, walking fast

 **Kai:**

 **Kai:** Walking a little slower because I wanna keep up with Ace and he's short

* * *

 **Fyr:** Kai, look, I'm melting butter

 **Kai:** That's great, Allerton. You now have the cooking skills of a hot day.

* * *

 **Liv:** Tell me the truth, ok? 'Cause there's been a lot of lying in this group.

 **Kaedro:** And a lot of love

 **Liv:**

 **Liv:** More lies

* * *

 **Kai:** This date is boring

 **Harley:** This isn't a date, I said I was going into the City

 **Kai:** Then why did you invite me?

 **Harley:** I specifically said "Don't come with me" and you said "Fuck you Ace, I do what I want" and followed me here.

* * *

 **Guardian:** What time is it?

 **Fyr:** Almost dinner time

 **Rogue:** Time to shoot some aliens

 **Liv:** Half past that cloud

 **Jade:** About four hours until dusk

 **Kai** : Ten past the crack in my watch

 **Kaedro:** Seven past the crack in _my_ watch

 **Tristan:** 45 minutes until patrol

 **Harley:** Time is an illusion

 **Bazzle:** 3:15

* * *

 **Harley:** I'm having a problem with someone

 **Kai:** Like "Their dead body won't fit on your Sparrow" problem or "you like the person" problem?

 **Harley:** "I like the person" problem

 **Kai:** Too bad, I could and would have actually helped you with the other one

* * *

 **Kai:** We can't all be social butterflies, Ace. For some of us, social interaction is difficult.

 **Harley:** It might help if you stop calling it "social interaction," Kai.

* * *

 **Kai:** Are people becoming more annoying or am I becoming more angry?

* * *

 **Harley** : Whatever. I've got my own problems.

 **Kai:** Like what?

 **Kai:** ...She said as an excuse to lean close enough to steal his drink

 **Harley:** You stole my drink

 **Kai:** Oh no, that's so sad. Felix, play Despacito.

* * *

 **Rae:** Aw, Cable did the dishes

 **Rogue:** How do you know I didn't do 'em?

 **Rae:** Because once when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your keys

* * *

 **Harley:** You're being so mean today

 **Kai:** I'm mean every day

* * *

 **Kai, after spotting Fyr in the Crucible:** Allerton? What the heck are you doing here?

 **Fyr** : I should ask you the same question!

 **Kai:** I'm lead for Team Alpha!

 **Fyr:** I should ask you a different question

* * *

 **Kai:** The sign says "Do Not Touch"

 **Fyr, pushing the sign over:** Not anymore

* * *

 **Kai:** Scratch that, I'm gonna let you guys stick around and see what real Guardians do

 **Harley:** Sweet. Just let us know when they arrive

* * *

 **Kaedro:** I brought reinforcements

 **Bazzle:** You brought Hayden?

 **Kaedro:** Um… no, but I brought the next best thing

 **Fyr:** Hey

 **Bazzle:** Allerton? You brought Allerton? The next best thing would have been Grayham!

 **Fyr:** Normally I'd be offended, but she is freakishly strong


	22. Chapter 22

**Bazzle:** Tell me exactly what happened

 **Tristan:** Well, it started with Fyr wanting to say the word "succulent"

 **Bazzle:** Oh, no

 **Tristan:** And it ended with a small riot, in which Kai set the couch on fire

* * *

 **Kai:** Whoever took my gun, come forward and all will be forgiven

 **Harley:**

 **Kaedro:**

 **Tristan:**

 **Jade:**

 **Fyr:**

 **Rogue:**

 **Liv:**

 **Kai:** Smart, you knew I would never forgive you

* * *

 **Kai:** Any knife is a pocket knife if you can fit it in your pocket

* * *

[The Guardians are filling out field reports]

 **Fyr:** This is killing me

 **Kai:** Good. Die.

* * *

 **Liv:** Just be yourself!

 **Fyr** : Be myself? I have one day to win over these people. How long did it take before you all started liking me?

 **Jade:** Couple of weeks

 **Bazzle:** Six months

 **Rae:** Jury's still out

 **Fyr:** "Be yourself." What kind of garbage advice is that?

* * *

 **Fyr:** It's just *sniff* so beautiful how much they love each other

 **Kai:** It's a commercial

 **Fyr:** *sniff*

 **Kai:** For a refrigerator

* * *

 **Fyr:** He's here, he's here! Ace's here! Let's do the prank where we don't even acknowledge him when he comes in, ok? Shh, shh! *turns his back to Harley*

 **Harley:** Back in the Tower!

 **Fyr:** Woo! Ace, Ace, Ace, ACE!

 **Liv** : Played to perfection, Fyr

* * *

 **Rogue:** You want me to flex and make all the buttons pop off my shirt?

 **Liv:** Yes! You can do that?

 **Rogue:** The challenge is keepin' the buttons on

* * *

 **Rogue, referring to Kai's previous life:** You were a ballerina?

 **Kai:** I was a _classical_ dancer, and I was good

 **Rogue:** Wow

 **Kai:** You tell anyone, I break your face

[later]

 **Rogue:** Don't let Kai fool you, she ain't that scary. She used to do ballet.

 **Fyr:** No way

 **Kai:** Which gave me the physical skills I need to strangle you with my feet

* * *

 **Kaedro:** After the incident, I put a tracker in Ace's food so I can know where he is

 **Kai:** Yeah so did I

 **Jade:** Me too

 **Kaedro:** Do you think all that radiation is bad for him?

 **Jade:** I'm sure he'll be fine

 **Kai:** He's lived a long life already

* * *

 **Bazzle:** You know it's not the end of the world to feel...things

 **Kai:** I guess not but it's up there

* * *

 **Harley:** So how'd you convince the whole group to betray me? What'd you offer them?

 **Bazzle:** I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you and they instantly said yes

* * *

(Harley just doesn't get chess)

* * *

 **Harley:** It's just like chess. Sometimes, to win, you have to sacrifice your king.

 **Tristan:** That's exactly how you lose

* * *

 **Tristan:** There is only one good reason for two people to have sex. And that is love.

 **Liv:** Tristan, I love and appreciate you but there are _way_ more reasons for having sex

 **Tristan:** Name one

 **Liv:** I can name 50!

 **Liv:** Make-up sex, break-up sex, someone-told-you-about-a-new-position sex

 **Liv:** Revenge, rebound, paratrooping

 **Liv:** Nothing good on tv, you're in a hotel, curiosity

[32 reasons later]

 **Kaedro:** They-said-they-love-you-but-you're-not-ready-to-say-it-back-yet sex!

 **Liv:** 43

 **Kai:** Wingman diving on the friend grenade

 **Liv:** 44!

 **Rogue:** The condoms are about to expire

 **Liv:** 45!

 **Liv:**

 **Liv:**

 **Liv:** This is actually getting pretty hard

 **Rogue:** 46!

* * *

 **Tristan:** How do you usually get out of these messes?

 **Harley:** We don't. We just make a bigger one that cancels the first one out.

* * *

 **Rogue, drunk:** I love you

 **Kai:** Is that you or the vodka talking?

 **Rogue:** That's me talking to the vodka

* * *

 **Tristan:** Fyr, we tried things your way

 **Fyr:** No we didn't!

 **Tristan:** I did it in my head. It didn't work.

* * *

 **Harley** : You're smiling. Did something happen?

 **Kai** : Can't I just smile because I feel like it?

 **Rae** : Allerton tripped and fell in the Hangar

* * *

 **Harley** : Can you do me a favor?

 **Kai** :

 **Harley** : Can you not shoot me this time?

 **Kai** : Give me a good reason

 **Harley** : I dunno, I'm a really nice person?

* * *

 **Liv** : For this mission, I wore the perfect disguise to make sure I was never noticed by anyone. Something so drab and uninspiring-

 **Kaedro** : I feel like this is going to be a dig at me

 **Liv** : I wore Kaedro's clothes

 **Kaedro** : There it is

* * *

 **A/N: Many thanks to Destinian and chiefcloud for the favs/follows. I hope you enjoy the stories!**

 **If anyone reading this missed my explanation for the slow updates on The Final Shape, I'll add it here. The Final Shape is the first story in the series that's beta-read. Before I upload chapters, I want to make sure there's nothing left I need to fix, so I wait for my beta to give the all-clear, so to speak.**

 **Any questions about the series/characters/updates can be directed to my discord/Twitter/tumblr or PM me on this site. I'm always happy to answer!**

 **Until next time!**

 **\- TheWolfParadox**


	23. Chapter 23

[Give me your cash or I'll shoot!]

 **Jade** : Bold of you to assume I carry cash. It's Glimmer now.

 **Rae** : Bold of you to assume this wasn't the plan all along

 **Harley** : Bold of you to assume I want to live

 **Kai** : Bold of you to assume I won't shoot you first

* * *

[texting]

 **Harley:** hey i have a knock knock joke but you have to start it

 **Kai:** ok

 **Kai:** knock knock

 **Harley:** who's there?

 **Kai:** …

 **Kai:** what the fuck

* * *

 **Liv:** You have never been neutral about anything in your life. You have an opinion on pockets.

 **Kai:** Yes, I do! I think they should all be bigger!

* * *

 **Fyr:** Kai, you're like an angel with no wings

 **Kai:** So, like, a person

* * *

 **Rae:** Do you want to go to dinner tonight?

 **Kai** : I do not

 **Rae** : Alright, respect

 **Fyr** : I'm free!

 **Rae** : I have plans

* * *

 **Tristan [in the middle of a kegster]:** ...I take it we're having a party

 **Fyr** : Dude! I knew there was something I forgot to tell you. Sorry.

 **Tristan** : No, no, no, it's fine. Why should you guys tell me you were going to have an enormous party? I didn't tell you I would be working quietly in my room.

 **Fyr** : That's a good point

 **Tristan** : Yes

 **Liv** : I guess we're even

 **Tristan** : If you need me, I will definitely be awake. Because I won't be able to sleep. Because of the party.

* * *

 **Rogue** : Can I just say - and this is really important so I need everyone to shut up - I love your hair

 **Liv** : Thank you. It's genetic and unattainable.

* * *

 **Bazzle** : Grayham, your response

 **Kai** : I wasn't listening, but I strongly disagree with Allerton

* * *

 **Kai** : What if I want to press charges?

 **Fyr** : For what?

 **Kai** : Stupidity

* * *

[Fyr and Kai are drunk]

 **Fyr** : You see how there's three pieces of cake missing from the cake table? All me.

 **Kai** : Allerton, you are so bad!

 **Fyr** : I know, right?!

 **Kai** : Ok, ok. My turn. Earlier, before I got here, I killed four men.

* * *

 **Fyr** : Hey Kai, what's your number?

 **Kai** : *visibly texting* I don't have a Holo

* * *

 **Tristan** : And how do you know this?

 **Rogue, holding a glass of scotch** : That's what I do. I drink and I know things.

* * *

 **Fyr** : I know nobody asked for my advice-

 **Kai** : And yet you're talking

 **Fyr** : -but I agree with Kai

 **Kai** : Let's hear him out

* * *

 **Liv** : You want a latte or a caramel macchiato?

 **Harley, drinking from a teacup** : I only drink espresso shots

 **Liv** : Why are your hands shaking?

 **Harley** : This is my fifth one. I may have a problem.

* * *

 **Harley** : I sort of did something and I need your advice, but I don't want any judgement or criticism.

 **Liv** : And you came to me?

* * *

 **Kai** : In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for 4-5 seconds

 **Fyr** : 45 SECONDS?!

 **Kai** : No! FOUR to FIVE seconds!

 **Fyr** : TOO LATE!

* * *

 **Bazzle** : So what's Grayham like?

 **Rogue** : If Oryx and Atheon had a lovechild, that kid would be afraid of Kai

* * *

 **Tristan** : What's your blood type?

 **Harley** : How would I know?

 **Tristan** : How would you not?!

 **Harley** : Who am I? Karl Landsteiner, discoverer of blood groups?

 **Tristan** : You don't know your own blood type, but you know who discovered them?

* * *

 **Tristan** : How do you keep track of all these lies, Liv?

 **Liv** : Practice, Tris. Lying is like 95% of what I do.

 **Tristan** : In your job?

 **Liv** : Sure

* * *

 **Kaedro** : What

 **Fyr, on the comms** : Kay, hey, shut up. I need you to wire me a thousand Glimmer.

 **Kaedro** : Wow

 **Fyr** : Yeah

 **Kaedro** : No

 **Fyr** : Yes!

 **Kaedro** : No!

 **Fyr** : Oh, for- then just lemme talk to Rae!

 **Rae** : Absolutely not. Huh? Because pick any one of an infinite number of reasons! Yeah, ok hang on…

 **Rogue** : Mmmmyeah, no, I would, but I can't really leave the bar at the moment… But I can transfer ya…

 **Jade** : No, I seriously thought you were joking. Yeah, hang on…

 **Kai** : *sinister laughter*

 **Fyr** : Ok. Ok! Lemme talk to Ace!

 **Fyr** : Ace?! Ace, listen, I-

 **Harley:** Noop

 **Fyr** : -need you to-

 **Harley** : Noop

 **Fyr** : Stop saying "noop!"

 **Harley** : Noop, Fyr. Noop. And it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up, but- *static*

* * *

[Fyr's first day as a Guardian]

 **Fyr** : So, am I gonna learn karate in this job or something?

 **Kai** : Karate? The Dreg of martial arts? No. Guardians use Krav Maga.

 **Fyr** : Krav-Ma-what now?

 **Kai** : Krav Maga. We've got an ex-Hidden who comes in on Thursdays.

 **Fyr** : Whoa

 **Kai** : Yeah. Tuesdays, he does a really rigourous spin class.

* * *

 **Kai** : Well, I hate to say I told you so

 **Harley** : Do you?

 **Kai** : No. It's one of the few great pleasures in life.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you all for the support you give to these oneshots and to the main series. I always look forward to adding more chapters for y'all to enjoy :D**

 **\- TheWolfParadox**


	24. Chapter 24

**Liv:** I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation.

 **Liv:** Do we have a fire extinguisher?

* * *

 **Rogue** : Why is my gun in the refrigerator?

 **Kaedro** : You said "this is really gonna confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

 **Rogue** : This explains so much

* * *

 **Bazzle** : Where is Allerton? I hear explosions and he's gone missing. I'm sure that is not a coincidence.

* * *

 **Harley** : Don't worry about me and Kaedro, we're making Mac and Cheese

 **Harley, 15 minutes later** : MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE

* * *

 **Kaedro** : He thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

 **Kai** : He can't hurt my feelings

 **Kai** : I don't have feelings

* * *

 **Rae** : I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.

* * *

 **Jade** : I think I may have just managed the saddest high-five in history. I finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high-five. There was no one.

* * *

 **Tristan** : Calm down, Kai. Patience is a virtue.

 **Kai** : WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE? WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?

* * *

 **Kaedro** : I told you I was good to fly

 **Rae** : Dumbass, I flew. You sat in the passenger's seat and steered with a paper plate.

* * *

 **Rogue** : Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on

* * *

 **Tristan** : Ace, what scares you?

 **Harley** : I dunno. Basic things, really. Clowns, the dark, snakes, the inevitability of death. The fact that climate change and global warming are completely preventable but everyone in a position to do something about it won't do anything for the sake of wealth and power without taking into consideration that they're dooming the future generations to live on a planet that is damaged beyond repair… Oh, and crows.

 **Tristan** : Why crows?

 **Harley** : Because a group of crows is called a murder. I don't know what that means and I don't wanna be the one to find out.

* * *

 **Zavala** : Can anyone tell me where Hayden is and why he missed the briefing?

 **Kaedro, whispering to Fyr** : I thought I told you to keep an eye on him

 **Zavala** : Allerton! Kaedro!

 **Kaedro** : Sorry, sir. I haven't seen him since the last time I saw him.

 **Zavala:** Yes, but when was that?

 **Kaedro:** Last time I saw him? It was definitely the time I saw him last.

* * *

 **Zavala** : You say you and Allerton have nothing to do with why the dining hall is on fire? Are you lying?

 **Harley** : That really depends on your definition of lying

 **Zavala** : I define it as not telling the truth. How do you define it?

 **Harley** : ...Reclining your body...in a horizontal position.

 **Zavala** :

 **Harley** :

 **Zavala** : Get out of this Hall

 **Harley** : Absolutely

* * *

 **Zavala** : Tell me about Allerton

 **Bazzle** : Fyr Allerton is one of my best Guardians. He likes shooting aliens and he loves solving puzzles. The only puzzle he hasn't solved is how to grow up.

 **Zavala** : That was very well put

 **Bazzle** : I've talked a lot about Allerton in my Tower-mandated therapy sessions

* * *

 **Kaedro** : Look at Baz. He's pacing slowly. For him, that's like a full-on rage-fueled freakout. The only thing worse is when he stands perfectly still.

[Bazzle stops pacing]

 **Rogue** : Oh no. He's standing perfectly still.

* * *

 **Kai** : He wants to talk about his feelings… I'm not good at that.

[flashback]

 **Guardian** : I'm just… Feeling so hurt and shocked and I don't know how to react and… Are you climbing out the window?

 **Kai, climbing out the window** : No

* * *

 **Bazzle** : We're concerned about how you present yourself in front of the Consensus

 **Kai** : Why? I'm fine in front of the Consensus.

[flashback]

 **Kai** : Look, I'll make it real simple so even these dumb-dumbs can understand: ALIEN MADE BOOM!

[another flashback]

 **Kai** : Can you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?

 **Zavala** : ...Crying?

[third flashback]

 **Kai** : And when this is over, I'm going to find you, and I'm going to break those little fingers.

 **The Speaker** : Miss Grayham! Please stop threatening the stenographer!

* * *

 **Liv** : We don't need guns. I have a lighter, ok, we get some hairspray, make some flamethrowers. Let's fry these bitches.

* * *

 **Liv** : Ok guys. In your opinion, what's the best way into someone's heart?

 **Tristan** : Love

 **Fyr** : His stomach!

 **Harley** : Dogs?

 **Kai** : A knife

 **Kai** : Stabbed through their heart

 **Kai** : Swift death

* * *

 **Tristan** : How do you ask someone out?

 **Liv** : Roses are red, violets are blue, you should know my bed has room for two

 **Tristan** : Oh my Light, no

 **Kai** : Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily, I can make you scream

 **Liv** : I feel like that one is verging dangerously into serial killer territory

* * *

 **Kai** : So what's it like rooming with Ace?

 **Liv** : He can be surprisingly snarky. One time I asked him for water when he was pissed at me and he brought me a glass of ice and said "wait"

* * *

 **Jade** : Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you've lost throughout your life

 **Liv** : Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this.

 **Kaedro** : My will to live! I haven't seen this in centuries!

 **Rogue** : I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

 **Harley** : Mental stability, my old friend!

 **Jade** : Guys, could you lighten up a little?

* * *

 **Bazzle** : That's it! You're grounded. Kaedro, no cards for you. Fyr, no sugar for you. Rogue, no alcohol for you. And… *to Kai* is there anything that you love?

 **Kai** : Revenge

 **Bazzle** : No vengeance for you

 **Kai** : I was gonna say "I'll get you for this," but I guess that's off the table

* * *

 **Tristan** : Kai, wake up

 **Kai** : I'm not sleeping, I'm dead. Leave flowers and get out.

* * *

 **Jade** : If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.

 **Fyr** : What if I bite it and it dies?

 **Jade** : That means you're venomous

 **Kai** : What if it bites itself and I die?

 **Kaedro, joining in** : That's voodoo

 **Harley** : What if it bites me and someone else dies?

 **Tristan** : That's correlation, not causation

 **Rogue** : What if we bite each other and neither of us die?

 **Liv** : That's kinky


	25. Chapter 25

**Jade, seeing Cayde on the floor:** Are you ok?

 **Jade, to Kaedro:** What happened to him?

 **Kaedro:** He's just a little overwhelmed right now. He's been lying on the floor for like thirty minutes.

 **Jade:** Why?

 **Kaedro:** Ace called him "dad"

* * *

 **Cayde:** This isn't how I raised you

 **Harley:**

 **Harley:** I wasn't aware you'd raised me at all

* * *

 **Harley (returning 17 minutes after curfew):** Hey guys, I'm home!

 **Cayde (a dramatic dad, sitting in the dark):** Hi, home, I'm diSAPPOINTED

* * *

 **Harley:** So how close do you think I can get to the sun before I die?

 **Rae:** Try it

 **Fyr:** Try it

 **Cayde:** Please don't try it

 **Cayde (internally):** lol _I'm_ gonna fuckin try it

* * *

 **Harley:** Dad, the Traveler's in danger again

 **Cayde:** I know. I'm shook.

 **Harley:** No, don't say that

 **Cayde:** Why? Am I not lit enough?

 **Harley:**

 **Cayde:** I, too, can be woke to modern slang

 **Harley:** Please stop

* * *

 **Kaedro:** So what'd he pack you?

 **Harley:** *pulls paper from bag* A drawing of some ramen…

 **Harley:** *looks into bottom of bag* Oh! And 30 Glimmer.

 **Harley:**

* * *

 **Harley:** Dad, please don't do this

 **Cayde:** Stop, you're making this harder than it has to be-

 **Harley:** I'm begging you, after all we've been through?

 **Cayde:** I'm so sorry, Ace

 **Cayde:** *places a +4 card*

 **Cayde:** Uno

* * *

 **Harley:** Zavala is going to be so mad at you, Dad

 **Cayde:** Ok, that's an interesting thought, but hear me out: what if… we ran an experiment and spent the rest of our lives finding out what happened if we never told him?

* * *

 **Lara, to Harley:** We don't use bad words in this house

 **Cayde, in the distance:** FUCK!

* * *

 **Harley:** Dad, you almost ready? Some of my friends are very punctual.

 **Cayde:** I'm already out of the shower. Chill, bro.

 **Harley:** Don't call me bro. I'm your son.

 **Cayde:** Ok, dude

 **Harley:** Dude is not an improvement

* * *

 **Cayde, texting:** Answer your Holo

 **Harley, texting back:** Gimme a minute, I can't find my Holo

 **Cayde:** Ok

 **Cayde, 5 minutes later:** You're a terrible child. You know, you're killing me. You're killing your father.

* * *

 **Cayde:** I didn't raise you to be this irresponsible!

 **Harley:** Dad, you want a reality check? You didn't raise me at all.

* * *

 **Cayde:** If you killed someone, you'd tell me, right?

 **Harley:** Of course. I'd need help hiding the body.

 **Cayde:** That's my boy

* * *

 **Cayde:** It's family moments like these that I'll never forget

 **Harley:** With a good therapist, hopefully I will

* * *

 **Cayde:** I'm dad inside

 **Cayde:** I meant dead

 **Cayde:**

 **Cayde:** No, I didn't

* * *

[Cayde watching Harley during the Golden Age]

 **Harley:** *packs a toy sword, princess crown, and a jar of Crofters in a duffle bag*

 **Cayde:** Where are you going, Ace?

 **Harley:** To war

* * *

 **A/N: Now that most of Bloodbound is finally up, I can post the quotes I've been holding onto forever XD**


End file.
